smells like fun: 03/01/2003

Monday, March 31

I will henceforth be known as Buttercup Applechunks.

I am spewing, totally spewing. I have to return to Parramatta today to do yet another vox pop. Four hours of harrassing boguns to be in the magazine. Why god, why?

In more worse news, everyone in the office has been asked to pose nekkid in a calendar for an RSPCA fundraiser by the ed. My fingers are crossed that this is but a cruel April Fool's joke. Please Allah, let it be a joke.

Love from Buttercup Applechunks ...

Children laugh 146 times a day, adults laugh only 4 times a day..... No wonder we're so unhappy!!! This is called "What's your new name?" Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day, and this is it!
Here is your dose... Follow the instructions to find your new name.
The following in an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names... Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
>a = poopsie
>b = lumpy
>c = buttercup
>d = gidget
>e = crusty
>f = greasy
>g = fluffy
>h = cheeseball
>i = chim-chim
>j = stinky
>k = flunky
>l = boobie
>m = pinky
>n = zippy
>o = goober
>p = doofus
>q = slimy
>r = loopy
>s = snotty
>t = tulefel
>u = dorkey
>v = squeezit
>w = oprah
>x = skipper
>y = dinky
>z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
>a = apple
>b = toilet
>c = giggle
>d = burger
>e = girdle
>f = barf
>g = lizard
>h = waffle
>i = cootie
>j = monkey
>k = potty
>l = liver
>m = banana
>n = rhino
>o = bubble
>p = hamster
>q = toad
>r = gizzard
>s = pizza
>t = gerbil
>u = chicken
>v = pickle
>w = chuckle
>x = tofu
>y = gorilla
>z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
>a = head
>b = mouth
>c = face
>d = nose
>e = tush
>f = breath
>g = pants
>h = shorts
>i = lips
>j = honker
>k = butt
>l = brain
>m = tushie
>n = chunks
>o = hiney
>p = biscuits
>q = toes
>r = buns
>s = fanny
>t = sniffer
>u = sprinkles
>v = kisser
>w = squirt
>x = humperdinck
>y = brains
>z = juice

Tuesday, March 25

What surreal times we live in. Here I am, writing about people's love lives for a living while George Bush carries out his evil plan for interplanetary domination and we Australians kiss his acne-pitted arse and help.

How great was Michael Moore's acceptance speech at the Oscars! I love that guy!

Friday, March 21

This little nifty thing is supposed to warn Americans when to pack up their tinned goods and get the hell into their lil' backyard bunker...

US Terror Alertness Rating

Oh yeah. The war is a heap of shit.

Let me tell you more fun stories from the world of tabloid journalism.

Today I had to go through the old files to find interesting love stories to do a compilation on people who met, fell in love and moved in together in the space of a few weeks. Some of the letters I was going through were around 2 or 3 years old. They were very soppy and sopped on about how madly in love they were with their husbands.
The first woman I rang to ask if she'd like to have her love story published said no. Her husband, the love or her life, died last year. Whoops.
The second woman I rang also said no. They had a messy divorce and weren't on speaking terms. Whoops.

Apparently someone is trying to sue the magazine at the moment. It's all very exciting, but sadly I can't write anything about it.

Over morning coffee everyone in the office had a good chuckle at the lame arse baby photos people send in. There are so many ugly babies in the world. It is quite astounding. Actually I've been laughing all morning, going through the files and reading some very funny/sad things. "I found love in an abottoir" was quite a good letter. A woman met her husband as they were slaughtering cows.

Tuesday, March 18

If anyone knows anyone who fits this description it would be mucho appreciato:

I am writing an article on Empty Nesters Syndrome and need 3 old couples who fit these descriptions:
1. Kids left home and they fell madly in love all over again and had a ball; or
2. Kids left home and they realised they had nothing in common anymore and divorced; or
3. Kids left home and they were bored or wanted more kids etc, so they got some foster kids to replace them.
Email me purhleeese!

Thursday, March 13

I think it's great the Rolling Stones are finally being allowed into China. The Chinese people are going to wonder what the big deal is about - a bunch of really really tremendously old men playing guitar who aren't even allowed to play their best stuff like Brown Sugar and Honky Tonk Man because it's too rude by their commie standards.

Tuesday, March 11

I would like to write more on moi blog but now that I be writing for bling I find it rather difficult. But no fear, I shall write whenever I can. Here is a list of some interesting things that have occured in the last week of my employ as a cadet journalist:
1) I was sent out to Parramatta to do a vox pop last Thursday. The hard-hitting question? "What was the last thing that made you laugh?" The best response came from a tattooed lady who said, "My daughter (10) came up to me the other night and said 'Mum, I tried sniffing glue the other day and it didn't work! I got no high!' I asked her what kind of glue she tried and I had a great laugh when she said, "a glue stick"'
I shit you not.

2) I was force-fed a spam and salad sandwich by the Editor who wants to do a feature on SPAM! the yummy cheap alternative to dog food. I actually enjoyed it.

There will be more to come, but alas I must return to my story on a crazy duck called Herman who thought it was a dog.

I asked my brother Jeff to email me some jokes. He couldn't remember any, so he wrote me these:

Q) What did George Bush say to the Aardvark?
A) "Hmm, you're a bit suspicious"

Q) How many scud missiles would it take to kill John Howard?
A) 1

Q) Whats the difference between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin-Laden?
A) Probably a fair bit

Mrs. Jones was out shopping one day. She was in line at the supermarket when
it was her turn to put her goods on the checkout. She puts her trolley on
the checkout.
Mystified, Mustafa, the checkout attendant says "excuse me maam, you can't
purchase the shopping trolley"
"Oh bollocks" the woman says "what happened to my shopping?"
Mustafa, laughs and says "ho ho, there it is on the floor".