Breaking Story - Elle MacPherson Eats Food
Well, Elle, did she eat? Yes, about a third of the piece of chicken breast that was served up, sans skin. She didn't touch the accompanying vegetables, polenta, antipasto or salad. But she did have a big glass of chardy. She shunned the bedsheet in favour of a very expensive looking olive green suit, worn so tight that when she turned sideways she disappeared. And she was about as tall as Jeff (6 foot plus some), which all combined to create the impression of a tree swaying in the breeze.
The chicken was soo nice (we were at the Quay Restaurant at the overseas passenger terminal) that I was tempted to approach her and ask if I could finish off the rest of the chicken. But you'll be glad to know I refrained at the last moment.
But something much more interesting happened to me today which I got unnecessarily excited about, as per usual. Remember my run-in with Toni Collette in the Belvoir Street Theatre toilet stalls? (In case I forgot to detail the details of this memorable encounter - it was during her stint here last year promoting the movie "Japanese Story" - Collette was at the theatre to watch a play, as was I, because me any my friends are really into, like, cultchaa. I was busting for the loo and as soon as the toilet door opened I tried to push pass the toilet escapee, only to discover with shock it was our very own "Muriel" who was vacating the throne.
Well the same thing happened again, only this time the toilet seat was warmed by the bridesmaid in chief of our Mary, Princess of Denmark!!
I was tempted to scream and yell "oh mi goaaa, how was the wedding"? only I was too shy and I really needed to pee. And I discovered that she actually works upstairs.
I'm planning on collating my toilet seat warmer articles into a witty novel entitled, "On the Hot Seat".
Oh mii gooooa!
I'm having lunch with Elle MacPherson tomorrow! She's in Sydney for a launch and I have the honour of meeting her... Hahaha! I've been offered a substantial bet from a friend - $100 says I can't force-feed her a fried mars bar.
Life Imitates Life in the Goldfish Bowl
Talk about freakout!
Like her namesake, my goldfish Courtney Cobain is now a widow.
Kurt Cobain and Derek Zoolander passed away after losing the battle against finflop.
It was a deadly collision of circumstances that finished them off. I was away on holiday and Heather didn't change the water. But it was nice of her not to tell me till I came back so it didn't spoil my holiday.
Sigh. If the RSPCA hears of this, I'm done for.
Courtney keeps eating all the snails I put in the tank that are supposed to zoom around and eat the mould. So I've stopped buying them. The suckers cost $3.50 each. She's grown so big she's about the size of my mobile phone. Alas dear Kurt never grew - when he died he was the same size as he was when I brought him from the PetWorld store in the Broadway shopping centre. It's freakish how life in the goldfish bowl is imitating life.
Don't Rock the Boat #1
For the last few weeks the ferry services on Sydney Harbour have been going a bit spazzy and feral. The sleek white jetcats must be needing more frequent repairs as they've been disappearing. In their place, Sydney Ferries have been using any bits of flotsam and jetsam that wash up on the shore. Last week a rickety double-decker boat floated up alongside the McMahons Point wharf as I was waiting for my regular super speedy jet. Coloured lights were strung along the roof, and the interior was devoid of seats and lit up in red and blue flourescent strips.
"Get out of the way, stinky little boat," I thought to myself, "You'll make the ferry late while you hang around making the Tampa incident look plausible."
Anyhoo, I got the shock of my life when a rickety plank plopped out of the boat, which was bobbing like a cork, onto the McMahon's Point wharf.
Then a voice yelled, "Balmain! Drummoyne!" and lots of people in suits who looked quite sea sick and mistreated with a look on their face that said, "I'm wearing a suit, I shouldn't be subjected to such mistreatment", wobbled down the plank onto the safety of the wharf.
So I wobbled onto the boat and was immediately subdued by the blue and red mood lighting.
It all felt unsettingly familiar...
I sat down on a bench seat while people in suits stood in the middle of the boat with nothing to hang onto, stumbling each time the boat was jerked into motion. Then I looked up, and realised why nobody was sitting on this particular section of the bench seat. It was smack bang in front of the toilet.
All of a sudden there was a sucking, dragging, swirling sensation pulling me back in time - Back to the Future stylee. It was 1997, and I was on a university harbour cruise with 120 other drunken students, bobbing about in the middle of the harbour. The combination of alcohol and seasickness combined to make me sicker than a really sick person in the middle of an epidemic of really sickeningly massive proportions. I ran (or wobbled) to the toilet, squeezed through the swinging double doors of the tiny loo, and was violently ill. Then I tried to get out and keep drinking, only to discover I was trapped. Trapped by the cruel combination of being disorientatedly drunk, whilst bobbing up and down and getting thrown about by the waves, and unable to figure out that the doors swung inwards but not outwards, and that because I was taking up the inward space inside the toilet there was nowhere left for the doors to swing.
IT WAS THE SAME BOAT WITH THE EVIL COFFIN TOILET!!!!!
Yesterday I saw Kill Bill 2 and [SPOILER WARNING] there's a scene where Uma Thurman is buried alive inside a coffin. It gave me torrid flashbacks to being trapped inside the toilet. I think I eventually managed to escape when I was discovered by a couple of other drunk students who were busting for the loo. The rest, unfortunately, is blank.
Oscar Wilde once said, "work is the curse of the drinking classes". I hear you, dead old gay Irish dude. I'm sitting here trying to work whilst being cursed with flashbacks at every turn.
Needless to say I decided to get off the boat at the first stop and got a bus instead. I'd had enough flashbacks for one day.
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